Before I Forget

Inspired by this article, I knew I needed to do a post on the horror of early motherhood. People told me it would be "hard." Well, those first 6 weeks were HELL ON EARTH. They say we forget the pain of childbirth and the horror of the first few weeks so that we have more babies. I guess, but I am very much "one and done" for the below reasons and others.

1. The psychosis caused by sleep deprivation. Most of this was due to the fact that I didn't know the baby was using me as a pacifier. He was on my breast almost all day and then from midnight to 6am sometimes and while he was sleeping, I thought he was feeding and so I knew I NEEDED to feed my baby, which meant I was getting about 2 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Later my doula came over and showed me how to time the breastfeeding properly: 20 min on the 1st side and no more than 15 min on the 2nd side. But until then, yes, I was completely psychotic from sleep deprivation and even cried sometimes b/c I was so incredibly tired/sleepy. 
2. The nipple pain from breastfeeding. I know they say it's not supposed to hurt but I'm sorry, nipples do need to build up for all that new activity. It didn't hurt in the hospital too bad and not at first when we got home, but after a couple of weeks when the baby would first latch on it HURT and I would just wince and suck in my breath. Fortunately, breast milk has an anesthetic in it and once he would get the milk flowing things were great again. But sometimes he'd kick and flail and hit my nipples and man, that HURT. 
3. Being engorged at first while my milk was regulating, and the scary lumps that developed in my breasts. Somehow, instinctively, I would massage the lumps and that helped. 
4. The scary bleeding. I'd read the bleeding would eventually taper off and it did the first week, and then all of a sudden the heavy flow and clots came back, to my terror. I called the Dr. who said to just keep an eye on it but I was scared. I'd passed an ENORMOUS clot in the hospital, so big that several nurses came to look at it. It was the size of a small animal, no freakin' joke. I ended up bleeding for almost 8 weeks. I had to borrow "granny panties" from the baby's grandmother b/c I didn't own any and all my underwear was too small and uncomfortable against my scar. 
5. The pain of showering, those rare times I did shower. I went for 3 days without showering there at the beginning, and this went on for weeks. I didn't leave the house at all for over a month (except for a handful of Dr. appts) so it was no big deal since I wasn't going anywhere, and the hospital had supplied me with a spray bottle to keep clean "down there" but yes, I did need to wash my hair and body every few days or so. The water hurt my scar and my nipples and so showering was really not pleasant at all. Drying off with the towel also was done very gingerly so as to avoid as much pain as possible.
6. That horrible scar. The surgical birth was a miserable experience and I couldn't believe women go through that numerous times and I remember feeling like I was never going to heal completely from it or ever be the same again. I hated looking at the scar and I hated that I had to go through that.
7. Fighting w/the baby daddy, who did not handle this new parent experience well at all. Kicking him out numerous times and being alone with the baby and having to do everything on my own. Crying, crying, crying. Being scared and alone. Begging for help from my family. Being alone 24 hours at a time with the baby. Having to hide my guns, just in case, b/c I was so sad and tired and miserable.
8. The baby's incredibly LOUD and piercing crying. OMG. Other people have remarked on his powerful set of lungs. He would hurt our ears!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Not being able to go to the bathroom for days after I got home, thanks to the surgical birth experience. When I was finally able to go, spending 2 hours in there at a time trying to go, and having to breastfeed the baby while sitting on the toilet. Thank God the baby daddy was there to take the baby from me b/c otherwise I wouldn't know what to do or where to put him down so I could finish. OMG that was truly a nightmare. 
10. Having to take all those meds: painkillers, iron pills, stool softeners, and the prenatal vitamins. I remember wondering when it would all end so I wouldn't have to pop all these pills anymore. Although, the Vicodin did help me sleep so I was grateful for that but of course the Vicodin prescrip ran out the fastest. 
11. How my left forearm hurt and was bruised from the heplock and the blood draws and how the pain was very annoying when I was trying to breastfeed and hold the baby. 
12. The baby passing out after or more often, during a feeding, me putting him in the bassinet, getting ready to go to sleep myself which meant going to the bathroom or quickly eating something and then brushing my teeth, getting settled to go to sleep, and 10 min later the baby waking up and crying so I couldn't sleep after all. This happened many, many, MANY times. 
13. Being short of breath at first, thanks again to the horrible surgical birth experience. I'd sing to the baby and have to take numerous breaths. 
14. Scared to take the baby anywhere out b/c of cold/flu season.
15. When I finally got up the courage to take him out after a couple of months and finally having a stroller to do it with, being scared to stay out after dark.
16. That terrible day when I woke up with laryngitis after gradually getting sicker over the previous few days. I was alone with the baby again after having kicked out the baby daddy yet again and I was so sad b/c I couldn't talk to the baby or sing to him and I spent a lot of that day crying. 

God, the baby is 4 1/2 months and reading this post makes me cry. I have to temper it with the good stuff:

1. The people that came to help. My family, including my aunt and my brother who stayed the night with me when I needed them to. My dad and his GF who brought diapers, wipes, food, and Crave cupcakes. My mom and stepdad who brought food. My friends and coworkers who brought gifts and food, glorious food, since I was breastfeeding and hungry and had no time to prepare food for myself. Anyone who came and helped figure out how to work stuff, like the baby monitors and breast pumps, b/c I was too tired to figure it out myself. Anyone who came and just sat and visited b/c I was so desperately lonely.
2. That magical 8-week mark of breastfeeding when it finally stopped hurting so bad and we really began to flow together a lot more easily.
3. Getting out with the baby to do stuff like baby storytime at the Library and baby yoga at the Library and Gymboree and La Leche meetings and new parents' groups.
4. So grateful for Facebook and BabyCenter community and being able to access it all on my phone while spending hours, hours, hours breastfeeding. 
5. My warm home which was clean and well organized for the baby, thanks to baby daddy who did it before he got banned from us. 
6. Me figuring out how to side-lie nurse and FINALLY getting a good night's sleep when the baby was around 6 weeks old. 
7. The baby smiling and looking so amazingly cute and me finally realizing how lucky I was to have this beautiful miracle in my life.

Nicknames for the Baby

"Mr. Cheeks" - coined by my brother

"Precious" - one of my nicknames. Also "Precious Cargo"

"Mommy's baby" - "

"Inga" - " b/c as a newborn when he cried he made a sound like that. Like "NNNN-GA!!!"

"Nnn-Gurgle Baby"

"Clutch Monkey" - my brother's nickname for him as a newborn

"Akbar" - b/c he made a sound like that once

Things I Say to The Baby When Nursing

There's the baby, there's the BABY! There's the baby, and there's the baby.
There's the baby, and there's the BABY! There's the baby, and there's the baby. - When he latches on. I mostly said this when he was a brand new newborn.

Laurenzo Lavon, LauRENZO Lavon! Laurenzo Lavon, Laurenzo Lavon.
Laurenzo Lavon, LauRENZO Lavon! Laurenzo Lavon, Laurenzo Lavon.

Mommy want the baby and baby want the Mommy.  Mommy want the baby and baby want the Mommy.
Mommy want the baby, baby want the MOMMY! Mommy want the baby and baby want the Mommy.

The baby said SMACK, yes the BABY said SMACK! The baby said SMACK, and the baby said SMACK.
The baby said SMACK, yes the BABY said SMACK! The baby said SMACK, and the baby said SMACK. - Sometimes he'd unlatch with a big "SMACK!!!" and it was hilarious.

The baby wants his milk. (in a baby voice)

Mommy wanna see the baby drunk on milk, MOMMY wanna see the baby drunk on milk!
Mommy wanna see the baby drunk on milk, Mommy wanna see the baby drunk on milk! - But he outgrew the milk drunk look somewhere between 2 and 3 months old. Sad, I miss it!!! :)

 Also when he was a newborn I'd sing "Lovin In My Baby's Eyes To Him." Although sometimes I couldn't get through it b/c I'd start crying!

Laurenzo Lavon Arrives!!!

Dr. E was concerned that I was developing pre-eclampsia b/c my blood pressure was high--not scary high but high enough to be concerned since I was pregnant--so at my appt. on Weds. 11/21 he told me to quit working/stop all activity. He sent me for blood tests and sent me home with a huge jug to fill with urine so they could do a 24-hr urine test to see if I was spilling protein which, combined with the high b/p would confirm the pre-eclampsia. I went home, called all my jobs, and actually put myself on bed (couch) rest just to be additionally cautious. The urine test turned out to be borderline so they sent me home a few days later with a new jug to re-run the test.

Reg and I had a nice, lowkey Thanksgiving at home and he cooked a great meal for us. Over the weekend I told him that we had better do the pregnant belly cast, just in case and we did and it turned out to be a hoot and turned out really nice looking. I was constantly checking my b/p with a wrist cuff borrowed from Reg's mom (it was high pretty much every time in the 140's/mid 80's, even with all the rest) and besides that just spending all my time on the couch. I was sad to have to miss my final gigs that weekend b/c they were at venues very close to home but I knew that staying on the couch was what I truly needed to do. And to be honest, I was grateful for the time to myself and getting lots of sleep in advance of what life with a newborn promised to be.

On Weds. afternoon around 4:30p, 11/28, I was on the couch and Reg was at my house continuing to get last minute things ready for the baby. The phone rang and it was Dr. E's office saying that my labs turned out to be worse than he thought and he wanted me to come in NOW for an induction. I hung up, started crying b/c this was NOT what I wanted at all, told Reg, called my Doula who advised us on a few things and then I just sprung into action. We took showers and finished packing our hospital bags, texted all close friends/relatives on what was happening, told the neighbor to keep an eye on things, Reg took a couple of swigs of Maker's Mark, and we headed to the hospital. I made Reg stop at Walgreen's though to pick up a couple of things (candy, Sprite, magazine) since I knew this was probably it for me for awhile.

My pater familias--clearly excited about his impending grandson--beat us to the hospital (we had terrible traffic on the loop) and we started taking pic's. They put me in a triage room and started hooking me up to stuff--a heplock I.V., fetal monitor. Reg went out for food and I'm glad I had him bring me a cheeseburger and apple slices b/c unknown to me this was my last meal for the next 4 days!!! They then pumped me full of magnesium sulfate for my high b/p which is a horrible, horrible substance. I was no longer allowed to get out of bed or walk or eat and I started to succumb to its typical fog. However I refused a foley catheter and insisted on using a bedpan, my 1st time ever to do so!

That night they inserted Cytotec to induce labor. I had my 1st cervical check by the Dr. on call, a miserable exxperience--Ow!!!!!!! That night Reg and I also were awoken by a woman in the next room, laboring and crying and yelling and moaning and a midwife coaching her and people encouraging her. Finally we heard a baby cry and I couldn't help but smile and think, "That'll be me soon!" and also a little envious of her, heh heh, b/c now she was done and I was just getting started. The next day, Thursday, it was clear the Cytotec hadn't worked so they inserted Cervadil. That day family began visiting me, thinking the baby was due any minute. Even Dr. E showed up that morning and said, "Let's have a baby today." I was in constant contact with Doula. When it was clear the Cervadil wasn't working hours later Dr E said now it was time to insert a balloon to by God get my cervix open. It had effaced but only dilated to 1. Later they removed the balloon since it hadn't worked and around 4am they said it was time to start pumping me full of the dreaded pitocin. Doula said by 6am-ish I would be feeling intense contractions and to call her and she'd be on her way to tend to me.

Instead of succumbing to the power of pitocin I ended up sleeping through it until 8:30a, Friday. Doula showed up on her own around then. I was feeling no surges (my preferred word for contractions) to everyone's surprise b/c they were clearly coming up on the monitors. Sometime that morning I felt some trickles of water and alerted the nurses who tested it and confirmed it was indeed my water breaking on its own! Success and reason for optimism! However later I begged for something to eat b/c I still thought I'd be having a natural, unmedicated vaginal birth and I knew I'd need my strength to go through it. They said I couldn't eat while on pitocin but the decision was made to turn off the pitocin and the magnesium sulfate for 2 hours while I ate a small snack of jello, tasteless chicken broth and apple juice. I was also allowed to go to the bathroom assisted by Doula and that was such bliss, to walk on my feet and just get out of the damn bed. Reg was in and out all day, going to eat, home to shower, etc. since there was clearly still plenty of time before anything major happened. Then Dr. E said they would need to turn the pitocin on at maximum strength to make sure this baby would be able to get out since my cervix was still at a standstill. Apparently they were pumping me full of more pitocin ever given to anyone ever in the history of the world.

Family was still coming in and out to visit me and check on me and Doula never left my side. It was awesome having her there for me! People kept saying, "You don't feel that contraction?" and I'd say no, that it just felt like the baby moving around, which I'd already been feeling for months now. Someone declared I had "Uterus of Steel." Around 6p Dr. E came in and did another cervical check and sat by my side and said we'd have to have the talk about, as Doula put it, "surgical birth." (I hate the term c-section.) I started crying, I just couldn't help it b/c a surgical birth was never even entertained one time in my mind. I just KNEW I'd have the natural, unmedicated vaginal birth of Ina Mae Gaskin's dreams and I didn't even bother researching surgical births b/c I never even wanted that concept in my brain. I didn't want the epidural, I didn't want to have surgery, I wanted nothing to do with it. Dr. E told Doula outside in the hall (they've worked together several times before and have a great, friendly relationship) with Reg listening that he was giving Doula 3 hours to do everything possible to get my cervix to open and after that, we were going into the O/R. Dr. E was very concerned about my high blood pressure and how dangerously long I'd already been on the magnesium and had declared that I'd actually developed the next dangerous step up from pre-eclampsia, H.E.L.L.P syndrome, so he wanted to get this baby out ASAP.

Doula said she was going to start some serious work on me and my muscles and that it was going to be hard on me but I told her to do everything she needed to do. She yanked out the stirrups and lay me on my side with my leg hanging on the stirrup to open my pelvis as wide as possible. She massaged pressure points on my feet and in my buttocks, saying that we have muscles back there that reach to the cervix. I did nipple stimulation while she did that. My music was playing on my iPod the whole time. For 3 hours we worked as the pitocin drip went up and up to its maximum level. Doula's work never even bothered me like she said it might, which was cool. She also snuck me a couple of honey sticks to suck on b/c I was STARVING! Finally that night the on-call team of OB/GYN's came in as a group to talk to me and they lay it on the line. They said my cervix had not budged and that we had all done everything possible and let's go ahead and get this baby out and have a birthday party. I liked the way they phrased that and I had told Doula that as long as we were all in agreement that everything possible had been done then I would be at peace with the surgical birth. Doula agreed that we had all done everything possible and had used every last trick in the book. Ok then, I said, let's go.

Now they began unhooking me from all the now-unnecessary stuff and said we just had to wait until the O/R got cleared b/c there was another surgical birth going on. We learned that Dr. E had come back to the hospital to do the delivery himself--wow! He really wanted to do it himself and I was touched by that. Reg got his scrubs on and eventually they wheeled me away. I was so scared of the epidural but the anesthesiologist was all business and I trusted that he knew his shit and he did and my nurse was there with me and she helped me get through it. There was a team of neonatal specialists there and they told me that technically my baby was, at 37 weeks/3 days a "late-term preemie" so they were there to monitor him after he was born just to make sure he was ok. After I was on my back and spread-eagle Reg came in and Dr. E started the job. I was just trying to concentrate on Reg and I also cracked a few jokes ("Y'all should have someone in here that does eyebrows as long as I'm down here, I missed my eyebrow appointment!" I told the nurse anesthesiologist.) Not long after (I guess--it was really only a few minutes) at 11:14 pm Dr. E said he was here and Reg and I saw the baby being rushed by the neonatal team to the baby warmer and they were working on him and seconds later we heard a VERY lusty cry and that's when I started crying and I yelled so he could hear me, "Laurenzo Lavon! Mommy's here! It's ok!" and the nurse wiped away my tears of happiness and it was an incredible, amazing moment, the most intense moment of my life, probably. Reg snapped pictures with both our phones while Dr. E got me fixed up. The neonatal team announced his Apgar's at 8 and 9, almost damn near perfect!!! No problems with this baby!!! I joked to Dr. E, "How does my liver look, considering all the booze I drink?" He said fine, lol! Reg looked over the curtain and started to tell me what was going on but I asked him not to tell me anything.

They brought the baby to us and we took several pics and when it was time to go to recovery, here's where my memory gets kind of hazy. I think I was the one that carried the baby to recovery. In recovery I remember Doula was there and she got us started breastfeeding and I remember she told a nurse he did 10 minutes on one side and 10 min. on the other so he could get his first precious colostrum. Then I remember the family that remained at that late hour--my pater familias, and my aunt and uncle--came in and held the baby and took pics. After everyone left it was just me, Reg, and the baby to sleep and breastfeed with plenty of interruptions by nurses to do stuff to me and check on me. I spent that entire day in recovery and in a magnesium fog and post-surgical/childbirth haze. I remember they checked the baby's hearing (he passed! No damage from the PRB!) and gave him a sponge bath which he hated and howled his head off during ("They all hate it," said the nurse!). I had trouble breathing at one point and an anesthesiologist was brought in who theorized that my diaphragm muscles were jarred during the procedure and he flushed something into my epidural and promised it would help, which it did later on. But in the meantime I was miserable and a little scared and exhausted. People were trying to visit me but I was in no shape for visitors and I sadly had to send the baby to the nursery and tell the nurse to allow no visitors in my room. While I was passed out Reg took a whole group of people--my parents, brother, even Paul and his daughter--to the nursery so he could show them the baby through the glass. Awhile later I finally started to feel slightly better and they brought the baby back to me and I resumed breastfeeding with the help of the nurse.

Finally around 1am the nurse said it was time to take me to a regular room and she unhooked me from all the I.V. stuff, took out the catheter (I was scared of that but I barely felt it) and we all went upstairs to our new home for the next 3 days. We met our night nurse who asked me if I wanted a bento box with crackers, trailmix, fruit and cheese. Did I! My first chewable food in 3 days! I snacked on that while breastfeeding the baby. The next few days was a flurry of nurses constantly coming in and waking us and drawing blood from me and giving me recovery orders and helping me with breastfeeding and teaching us how to swaddle and change diapers, etc etc. Plus a constant stream of visitors at all hours and Reg and me trying to learn how to be parents to Laurenzo Lavon while desperately trying to get rest/sleep and me calling the lactation consultants numerous times to come and help me yet again!

We finally went home on Tuesday after being in the hospital 7 days. Reg's mom met us at home when we got there around 9pm and Reg went and got us our 1st meal as a family. Reg turned my bedroom into a nursery so the baby could sleep next to me in his bassinet and there was a changing station for him there too. We eventually had double everything downstairs too so we wouldn't have to navigate the stairs and we were blessed to be able to have double things thanks to hand-me-downs from friends. And thus, sleep-deprived life with a newborn gift from God began and continues--exhaustedly yet gratefully and happily--to this day!