Before I Forget

Inspired by this article, I knew I needed to do a post on the horror of early motherhood. People told me it would be "hard." Well, those first 6 weeks were HELL ON EARTH. They say we forget the pain of childbirth and the horror of the first few weeks so that we have more babies. I guess, but I am very much "one and done" for the below reasons and others.

1. The psychosis caused by sleep deprivation. Most of this was due to the fact that I didn't know the baby was using me as a pacifier. He was on my breast almost all day and then from midnight to 6am sometimes and while he was sleeping, I thought he was feeding and so I knew I NEEDED to feed my baby, which meant I was getting about 2 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Later my doula came over and showed me how to time the breastfeeding properly: 20 min on the 1st side and no more than 15 min on the 2nd side. But until then, yes, I was completely psychotic from sleep deprivation and even cried sometimes b/c I was so incredibly tired/sleepy. 
2. The nipple pain from breastfeeding. I know they say it's not supposed to hurt but I'm sorry, nipples do need to build up for all that new activity. It didn't hurt in the hospital too bad and not at first when we got home, but after a couple of weeks when the baby would first latch on it HURT and I would just wince and suck in my breath. Fortunately, breast milk has an anesthetic in it and once he would get the milk flowing things were great again. But sometimes he'd kick and flail and hit my nipples and man, that HURT. 
3. Being engorged at first while my milk was regulating, and the scary lumps that developed in my breasts. Somehow, instinctively, I would massage the lumps and that helped. 
4. The scary bleeding. I'd read the bleeding would eventually taper off and it did the first week, and then all of a sudden the heavy flow and clots came back, to my terror. I called the Dr. who said to just keep an eye on it but I was scared. I'd passed an ENORMOUS clot in the hospital, so big that several nurses came to look at it. It was the size of a small animal, no freakin' joke. I ended up bleeding for almost 8 weeks. I had to borrow "granny panties" from the baby's grandmother b/c I didn't own any and all my underwear was too small and uncomfortable against my scar. 
5. The pain of showering, those rare times I did shower. I went for 3 days without showering there at the beginning, and this went on for weeks. I didn't leave the house at all for over a month (except for a handful of Dr. appts) so it was no big deal since I wasn't going anywhere, and the hospital had supplied me with a spray bottle to keep clean "down there" but yes, I did need to wash my hair and body every few days or so. The water hurt my scar and my nipples and so showering was really not pleasant at all. Drying off with the towel also was done very gingerly so as to avoid as much pain as possible.
6. That horrible scar. The surgical birth was a miserable experience and I couldn't believe women go through that numerous times and I remember feeling like I was never going to heal completely from it or ever be the same again. I hated looking at the scar and I hated that I had to go through that.
7. Fighting w/the baby daddy, who did not handle this new parent experience well at all. Kicking him out numerous times and being alone with the baby and having to do everything on my own. Crying, crying, crying. Being scared and alone. Begging for help from my family. Being alone 24 hours at a time with the baby. Having to hide my guns, just in case, b/c I was so sad and tired and miserable.
8. The baby's incredibly LOUD and piercing crying. OMG. Other people have remarked on his powerful set of lungs. He would hurt our ears!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Not being able to go to the bathroom for days after I got home, thanks to the surgical birth experience. When I was finally able to go, spending 2 hours in there at a time trying to go, and having to breastfeed the baby while sitting on the toilet. Thank God the baby daddy was there to take the baby from me b/c otherwise I wouldn't know what to do or where to put him down so I could finish. OMG that was truly a nightmare. 
10. Having to take all those meds: painkillers, iron pills, stool softeners, and the prenatal vitamins. I remember wondering when it would all end so I wouldn't have to pop all these pills anymore. Although, the Vicodin did help me sleep so I was grateful for that but of course the Vicodin prescrip ran out the fastest. 
11. How my left forearm hurt and was bruised from the heplock and the blood draws and how the pain was very annoying when I was trying to breastfeed and hold the baby. 
12. The baby passing out after or more often, during a feeding, me putting him in the bassinet, getting ready to go to sleep myself which meant going to the bathroom or quickly eating something and then brushing my teeth, getting settled to go to sleep, and 10 min later the baby waking up and crying so I couldn't sleep after all. This happened many, many, MANY times. 
13. Being short of breath at first, thanks again to the horrible surgical birth experience. I'd sing to the baby and have to take numerous breaths. 
14. Scared to take the baby anywhere out b/c of cold/flu season.
15. When I finally got up the courage to take him out after a couple of months and finally having a stroller to do it with, being scared to stay out after dark.
16. That terrible day when I woke up with laryngitis after gradually getting sicker over the previous few days. I was alone with the baby again after having kicked out the baby daddy yet again and I was so sad b/c I couldn't talk to the baby or sing to him and I spent a lot of that day crying. 

God, the baby is 4 1/2 months and reading this post makes me cry. I have to temper it with the good stuff:

1. The people that came to help. My family, including my aunt and my brother who stayed the night with me when I needed them to. My dad and his GF who brought diapers, wipes, food, and Crave cupcakes. My mom and stepdad who brought food. My friends and coworkers who brought gifts and food, glorious food, since I was breastfeeding and hungry and had no time to prepare food for myself. Anyone who came and helped figure out how to work stuff, like the baby monitors and breast pumps, b/c I was too tired to figure it out myself. Anyone who came and just sat and visited b/c I was so desperately lonely.
2. That magical 8-week mark of breastfeeding when it finally stopped hurting so bad and we really began to flow together a lot more easily.
3. Getting out with the baby to do stuff like baby storytime at the Library and baby yoga at the Library and Gymboree and La Leche meetings and new parents' groups.
4. So grateful for Facebook and BabyCenter community and being able to access it all on my phone while spending hours, hours, hours breastfeeding. 
5. My warm home which was clean and well organized for the baby, thanks to baby daddy who did it before he got banned from us. 
6. Me figuring out how to side-lie nurse and FINALLY getting a good night's sleep when the baby was around 6 weeks old. 
7. The baby smiling and looking so amazingly cute and me finally realizing how lucky I was to have this beautiful miracle in my life.